One month since my last post! I now understand the popularity of Twitter, though I don't partake. It's like breaking up the commitment to blogging into manageable bits of 140 characters each. Not unlike the 3 x 5 cards (are these obsolete?) I used for outlining my college papers.

My main problem has been lack of focus on a theme for my blog, and too many micro projects. Coupled with no uninterruptible passion for any one thing, I'm the last person that should be blogging about anything. I wonder if I were to focus more on one of my interests, as well as not allowing myself to be distracted by any new ones, if I might just become proficient and/or passionate about something. I'm not even one of those people who become all-consumed with a new hobby, or interest, only to replace it later with a new one. I have a number of them all at one time.

Let's see, since my last post, I started a book about a 19th century French serial killer and how the investigation and cracking of the case was considered the birth of forensic science. I think I'm about 1/3 done with it. It's thoroughly fascinating and well-written. But, I bought a guitar, and checked out some online guitar lessons (thanks to some focused and passionate guitar bloggers - particularly justinguitar.com) and while I am making a bit of progress, I haven't kept a very steady reading pace on forensic science. At the same time, I decided to try to study more piano theory; scales and chords mostly. Thanks again to a few accomplished bloggers, I was able to find plenty of sources online. I also worked on improving my sightreading, and found a wonderful blog with a day by day accounting of one piano players (passionate) attempts to improve hers. I think it has helped my piano playing, which was my goal.

During this same time, I picked up a book at the library "The Denial of Aging". I'm proud to say I actually completed it. It's basically a excellent guide to the realities of aging and elder care, and I was amazed at how many of the author's conclusions are the same as mine, given my limited experience with nursing homes, medicare, and home assistance for my father and stepmother. It has made me inclined to volunteer at the nursing home or hospice (oh yeah, I still haven't fulfilled my resolution to volunteer somewhere). And maybe blog about it.

I also got the idea of eating only "real food" and blogging about it, but found a blog that had already addressed it so well, I didn't see the point. I have been trying to follow a real food diet, however, and might still blog about a future attempt to get the texture sensitive males in my house to join me.

Luckily, I have a stomach flu. It has kept me home for two days, allowing me to finish a book, AND add a blog post.

Two Weeks

I'm glad I did not include a frequency for blogging in my New Years Resolutions. I had thought that avoiding FB on weekdays, and not drinking wine after work would provide plenty of blogging time. I try to figure where I've spent the additional, quality (as in stone sober) time, and I can honestly report that I've spent a fair amount practicing piano more. I can also report that it has had a significant impact on my playing - my sight reading is really clicking, as is chord theory, and I learn pieces quicker.

My last post focused on the joy of not drinking - and I can't help pondering the idea that I am experiencing what is very normal to the majority of people (being sober in the evening, fresh in the morning, and functioning optimally all day). Yet I'm experiencing it in contrast to drinking days, so to me it feels exhilirating. I feel lucky in a way to experience the ordinary as extraordinary, and hope it continues.

My resolution to try to be "nice" and "understanding" has been tested quite a bit. I am totally struggling to do the right thing in this regard where my father and stepmother are concerned, but it is not always easy. The dynamic is odd, as they married at 67 years old, and I have become pretty much solely responsible although my stepmother has 3 children herself. She is headstrong, and somewhat self-centered, and my father is weak and easily motivated by guilt. The long and short of this is that I am trapped as sole caregiver for both, in spite of the fact that my father would prefer to have the security of a nursing home. Since she does not want to go along with him - he will not go. And I am expected to be the person that spends half a day at the ER while he gets stitches, and she decides to go along in another ambulance because her stomach "has been bothering" her. Bleh. I truly don't know how to come to an acceptance of this entire situation. I've never been not nice enough to just blow off someone on need, but I can't say I want to be responsible for my stepmother just because her own children don't assist in any way. I know I need to be responsible for my dad, but how am I so totally stuck with her in the process? It isn't as if she was my stepmother as I grew up - and even so - I sure don't expect my stepchildren to have one bit of responsibility for me when I get older. I sure hope even my own kids won't have to deal with what I am now - I am committed to figuring the best way for that not to happen. Wonder if Dr. Kevorkian has a protege? I've read of a place in Switzerland that offers assisted suicide. Maybe I can arrange for that by the time it is needed. That would be the ultimate "nice" and "understanding" thing I could do someday.

Almost a week later....

I am a fairly successful resolver, with 6 days of sticking closely enough to my 2011 plan to pat myself on the back publicly - figuratively speaking of course.

The most crucial resolution has been to avoid intoxication, which for me, sadly, means avoiding alcohol altogether. I say sadly because I would love to occasionally enjoy and maintain the two drink fuzzy buzz that is the reason I keep trying to ease back into drinking in moderation. But within weeks I invariably fall back into too frequently drinking myself into crappy tired overbuzz or anxious, cranky intoxication. Even after a fun night of party drinking, there's the inevitable edgy, restless semi-sleep, where I toss and turn and totally hate myself for my weakness and stupidity.

Last night I dreamt I was smoking and drinking, and in the dream I was despising myself for it, and I woke up in the midst of that self hatred and slowly realized it was a dream. All I could do was smile and enjoy the feeling of total relief and pure gladness that it had been just a dream. I am going to try to keep that feeling as fresh in my mind as possible, as a total and complete opposite to the dark and pathetic feeling I have when I wake from an alcohol inhibited, dreamless sleep to recall that I drank too much hours earlier, and in all likelihood, left myself a lot of things to do in the morning, including feeling half alive for the first few hours of daylight.

And for now, that's all I've got to say about that, being that I never thought I'd say anything about this personal and embarassing shortcoming.

Recap Day One

I think I will call Jan 1 2011 a success, as far as keeping all my resolutions. Fortunately I didn't make any resolutions that involved limiting my intake of any food category, because I indulged in nearly all of them.

But I did do all of the following:

I read - well, listened to, two classic books. I am listening to Truman Capote's "In Cold Blood" while driving, and Kafka's "The Trial" while walking. The former has kept me riveted even though most of the opportunities to listen are brief in duration and loaded with the distractions of driving around Batavia. The latter I had attempted to read the old-fashioned way, left to right, turning pages as I finished them, picking up where I folded the page corner down. And I never quite got through it. There's not enough time for me to do nothing but read a book. No matter how much I save time for it at the end of the day - I will invariably fall asleep 2 minutes into any book.

Exercise - I had to squeeze that in at the end of today. Heavy rain in the morning prevented me from walking - and I wasn't prepared yet with a legit backup. My evening walk resulted in two muddy dogs requiring extensive cleanup and brushing, which I was able to do, because I had lots of time left from not being on Facebook too much. I will make a point tomorrow to find and TiVo a yoga or workout program I can do in a pinch. I should also look into the nearest Tai Chi or Pilates class, though I stick with workouts I can do at home better than ones where I have to dress the part and pay close attention. And shave my legs and armpits.

As for not saying mean things - I did great! I didn't say anything mean, and I said several very nice things. Now - I didn't really think anything mean either, so I'm not sure this shows any resoluteness on my part. I'll see, and report, how good I am at not saying anything mean even though i'm thinking something mean. By mean, I mean "snarky".

I was on Facebook for about 7 minutes today. 3 minutes emailing Bonnie, my very nice FB friend fom high school, who was kind enough to say she would miss my posts if I gave up Facebook. Bonnie seems like one of those people who doesn't say anything unless it is positive and good hearted. I was on the rest of the world wide web for about 12 minutes, looking for a new haircut for Leslie to give me. I spent a lot of the time saved playing with Eliot, who was her sweetest self today. And I still have a few minutes left to indulge in the internet before the weekend is over.

I have not acted yet on my resolution to lend a hand - by volunteering. I might ask the Batavia Nursing Home if there are volunteer opportunities there. And I intend to visit my dad's buddy Frank there on Mondays, while Jake is at piano, in any event.

I was very understanding today. I understood that Jake needed to sleep all day after being up all night at Adam's slumber party. I understood that Terry is not programmed to notice his muddy dress shoes in the living room, right where he took them off last night.

I did not find a new talent today. So, I practiced piano - including the G flat major scale, cadences and arpeggios. And Bach's Prelude in C. It is an interesting piece to me for having such obvious, and frequent measures of musical tension and resolution.

No wine today. I will feel a very definite "withdrawal" type effect tomorrow. Not anything I can describe really - no textbook symptoms. Just a vague discomfort from being denied a regular dose of alcohol. I'll be a bit cranky probably, and I'll eat more sweets than usual.

My last two resolutions - organizing a regular activity get-together with friends, and donating to someone in need, are also coming together. I am totally on track - so far.

Assuming I keep my resolutions going forward, I'll elaborate on one each post. Probably, because I have so many pent up blogs in me, and a tendency towards attention deficit, I will also get off on many pointless and unrelated tangents.

Or as my brother will want to remind me - I will just fail to post very soon.

10 Things I Resolve to Do (Or not do)

Since the last New Year Resolution I kept for any length of time was made in 1999, I think I need to catch up. And even though technically I have 12 years to catch up - I'm going to round it to 10. Metric system resolutions. Resolumeters.

And since there are 10 letters in RESOLUTION, my self imposed challenge is to base my good intentions around those letters. So...

R - Read everyday. Must be a a book. Slate articles and Huffington Post articles don't count. Uncle John's Bathroom Reader doesn't count. Even Vanity Fair doesn't count, though it is an excellent magazine. It has to be a book, either a classic, or non-fiction. No self-help books. And listening on a walk counts as reading. Which brings me to...

E - Exercise. Every day. 45 minutes. Either a walk, or yoga, or Tai Chi or - in the spring - running. Hell, I might even swim around the lake for 45 minutes in the summer.

S - Say nothing unless it is something nice. I think that is the converse of "If you don't have anything nice to say, shut up." I'll take it a step further, and vow to say something nice to everyone I encounter each day - or more realistically - at least 3 people.

O - This is a tough one. I might have to come back to this one. Crap - there's another O later, too. Wait - Organize. O is for organize. I'm pretty organized, but I must be able to do better, otherwise I'd have more time, right? So I will quantify this resolution as organizing my time better by limiting Facebook and Internet time to once a week - one hour total on weekends only. Really, did I have to see what everyone thought the whispering was about on the final episode of "The Walking Dead"? I can never get back the time I spent reading the very predictable reactions to Ricky Gervais' "Why I'm an Atheist" in the Wall Street Journal, or the just as predictable smug comments about the fat guy that wasn't allowed to fly a few months ago.

L - Lend a hand. Ok - I'm stretching to stick to this lettering scheme, but I will find a place to volunteer my time, let's say - 1 hour a week to start. That should be manageable without turning into - "what the hell was I thinking? I don't have enough time for the things I have to get done as it is!"

U - Undulate? Unbalanced? Ummm....Understanding. I will try to be more understanding. Of 13 year old boys, and 50 year old men, and 75 year old stepmothers, and people on too many meds. I will couple that with S above to make an extra good double resolution.

T - Talent. I'm going to try to find one. Failing that - I will practice piano every day - 30 minutes. Absolutely, no excuses. Including scales.

I - Intoxicated. Not any more.

O - Damn O again. Well so what - I'll just use organize again. I will organize a weekly or monthly something. Game night, movie night, poetry night, whatever, with whoever - lake friends, Buffalo family, work friends - wants to. Friday night Happy Hours at the beach don't count toward this.

N - Need. Each month - donate $100.00 to someone in need. Terry and I figured the best way to do this is to watch the Pennysaver, or the Batavian for current local fundraising efforts to which we could donate.


Finally - with no letter as a lead-in, one last resolution: BLOG. My resolutions will give me plenty of blog material. Blogging will force me to prove to the world I can adhere to my new found resolutions and it will give me some creative writing opportunities If their was a C or W in RESOLUTION - I would have resolved to do it anyway.

Of course, I can also very publicly fail. I am being nice by saving my brother the bother of reminding me of this.

OK - here goes my first day as New Debbie.

RESOLVE

I love fresh starts - Mondays, the first of any month, or birthdays are a great time to "start" something. By start, I usually mean start to quit something, since my vices are many and varied. But of course, nothing beats January 1 for really, really starting a wonderful new habit or quitting terrible one.

On January 1, 1998, I was able to stop biting my fingernails after 30+ years of engaging in that strange habit. I started a new habit of filing and polishing my nails, buying rings, and no longer keeping my hands on my lap when eating out with friends. I have kept that resolution to this day, and I have to actually cut my fingernails every week or so in order to make sure they don't make a clacking noise when I practice piano. (Somehow, I am always practicing piano, never really playing. Another resolution I'm getting to)

On January 1, 1999, I quit smoking - a resolution I kept for 7 years and 16 days. I feel I am a bona fide expert on the psychology of nicotine addiction. Prior to my 1999 quit, I quit for a year and a half in 1990, and numerous other times for periods ranging from 6 weeks to 6 months. Since the Jan 2006 relapse (a bad year all the way around, but I digress) I've done the same, quitting for a month to eight months, on 4 or 5 different occasions. I am very objective about the moments of lameness that lead to returning to the dumbest and most illogical addiction of all. It's not complicated, and far from deeply psychological.

I am at this moment 70 days into my current quit, and feel a need to take advantage of this Jan 1 to really test my mettle with all my other shortcomings, vices, weaknesses. What to give up? WHat to take up? How can I be... more disciplined? Less uptight? Nicer? More accomplished? Fitter? More well-rounded? Less selfish? How can I devote more time to...myself? others? self-improvement? community improvement?

I have a few ideas - and in one last 2010 wine-fuelled, self indulgent, philosphical night of self-discovery, I intend to create a plan for accomplishing all of the above in 2011.

Old Habits Die Hard

OK - time to get on the wagon again. Oh, I know, I've been on and off the wagon like a city bus. At this point, I might consider it a new form of "recovery" - no smoking or drinking for a few months or years at a time when I can muster the discipline for it, and no beating myself up when I indulge. Otherwise - I might find it all too maddening - and not try altogether.

So after a day with no cigarettes and no wine or beer after work, I feel awesome. Slept like a baby, woke up fresh and clear headed. I also feel pretty moronic and stupid, for foregoing this feeling for the last 3-1/2 months. But no more beating my idiot, lame, pathetic self up.

Time for a walk - even if it is raining - I need to pick the elderberries growing down the road before the birds get to them.